A little shaken

I read something late last night that has haunted me since then. For those of you that went to high school with me, you will remember Sara Pigg. She is now married and has 2 boys and was due to have a little girl this week. She posted last night that her precious daughter was stillborn on Monday. I sat there and read that and began to cry. Here I am only weeks from the arrival of our precious Luke and she has just lost her precious little girl that she was so excited to have. I do not know what happened but that is irrelevant. The fact that she carried a baby for 40 weeks and then lost her is heart breaking! I cannot imagine her pain right now. I could just see the closet already stocked with all of those beautiful dresses and perhaps a Baby's 1st Christmas outfit in there, too. I woke up all night with this on my mind. each time I lifted her and her family up in my prayers and prayed for the health of my baby and the health of another friend's baby (Erika). Please pray for this family and ask the Lord to comfort them in ways that we can't fathom! Situations like this really make you reflect on the important stuff!

Just Strange

I do not know how many of you had strange dreams when you were pregnant, but I do. I just have to share my dream from this weekend. If any of you would like to try to explain it, go ahead! :)

I was at the Orpyland Hotel for a spiritual conference for mothers. I was with a variety of people I knew. Some of you were there. We were sitting outside on the grass waiting to enter the building for the key note speaker. We were all having fun until we heard a bizarre sound. We looked up and we could see hundreds of airplanes evenly spaced in the sky. We could see them in all directions as far as we could see. Then, we noticed they were dropping barrels that were attached to parachutes. We instantly were terrified. We realized that it was bombs that were going to explode upon contact. We had no way to get away. After sheer panic for a moment we decided to pray. I lead the prayer and was trying to focus on that and not watch the barrels, which were coming fast. We concluded our prayer, which was basically informing God that we were very scared and to not let this leave us severely injured. We wanted to be totally fine or dead. After the prayer, we decided that this was a terrorist attack. We knew that these people would know that destroying that many mothers and grandmothers would demolish our society. We then began to sing and read scripture try to stayed focused on God. Suddenly, we saw men in white jumpsuits landing. They looked like they were chemical warfare suits. At this point, the barrels were very close. We decided to begin praying as they landed. We were all peaking as we were praying. Suddenly, one of us busted out laughing. The rest of us found that odd and feared it was part of the chemical attack. No, instead, we discovered the barrels were full of trial size potato chips, Frisbees, back packs, etc for a marketing promotion from a chip company. We gathered out loot, headed into the building, and went on about our worshipping.

Strange, huh?

One of those days..

Today is one of tose days I am feeling overwhelmed. I know things will work out but it is just wearing on me today. Please pray for me to have that peace of knowing God is in charge!

The Gospel According To Jesus by Chris Seay

I was very excited to get the book titled: The Gospel According To Jesus by Chris Seay. I had never heard of this author but the small preview looked like a great read. I have to say I was very disappointed. This book was supposedly about the church and our misunderstanding of the meaning of righteousness.

This is the first book that I have reviewed for Thomas Nelson's Book Sneeze that was difficult for me to get through. I would have put it down and not completed it if it were not for the review I had agreed to do on this book. I felt that this author's thoughts were scattered and difficult to follow. At times, I even found some comments to be offensive. I felt like more of the book was about him and his friends' opinions than scripture backing. I found very few items that made me think in a way that he was wanting me to think. I would not recommend this book. I feel it was a huge letdown.

Pictures

I am not a huge picture taker unless I am getting professional pictures done. I have to make an effort to remember to take pictures of all of those momentous events. However, I do love to look back at pictures and remember the feeling I felt at that point.

I allow all of the pictures that I download to the computer run in a slide show as my screen saver. Last night, I sat down in my quiet house and began to watch those pictures. I could remember Todd's first smile, Jackson's first thumb sucking picture, Brad and I's wedding picture, and even my high school senior trip. I can remember each of those events meaning something difference. Some would mean a time of growing up and some would be times that forever impacted my life for the good!

One thing I realized. None of those pictures brought back pain. I did not see the pictures that reminded me of my baby girl I lost, or the financial struggles Brad and I had when we got married. I did not see the times we had lost our job or the day I found out that my mom had MS.

Perhaps that is why I find such joy in looking at those pictures. It is a reminder of how blessed I am. How God has shown favor to me and my family. I could see God's footsteps in all of those pictures. I could see Him in my son's smiles, I could see Him in Brad's face because He had lead me to Brad. I could see Him as He protected me through those tough teen years. It was just a great reminder of my God. I was then drawn to this scripture:
How can I repay the Lord for all of His goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant you freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows tot e Lord in the presence of all his people in the courts of the house of the Lord-in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.
Psalm 116: 12-19
There is no way I can repay Him for these blessing but I will try to glorify Him in all I do as a thank offering.

Wow 2 years

How is it time can move so quickly. It seems like yesterday that this boy had made his appearance into this world.

And now this is the boy that lives in my house!
Jackson was an answered prayer. He is a constant reminder of God's timing and God's gift of life. I cannot imagine my life without this boy. He is so full of life and love. He is my mini-me. He is into everything and yet loves his mommy more than anything. He can make me so mad one minute and cry from laughter the next.

Jackson, I know that God has huge plans for you! You are a gift that we could not have ever imagined. I pray that God guides your every step and that you will listen to His calling. We love watching you adore your brother and explore life. Thank you for allowing us to be your mommy and daddy! We love you, sweet tater!

Bitterness

If you were wanting and/or needing uplifting, cheerful words today, Just exit this post because it is not going to be that way today. I have not blogged in a while because I have a lot going on in my life right now. I will attempt to put it into words as best I can with a toddler running around in the background!

I will admit that I have had times when I felt like life wasn't going as I had planned. I have questioned God, cried out to God, and even cursed God because I just felt things weren't fair and he was torturing me. I am not proud of these feelings nor do I feel I was justified in saying them, but I did it anyway. I was plainly bitter!

In the past week, my granny has come to live here in my town. Many of you have lived near your grandparents your entire life. I have not lived near them most of my life. However, when I was young, we lived close to them and I though my granny was the greatest thing ever. That was before she and my grandad got divorced. After the divorce, she left the scene and we didn't even know where she lived. She has said many hurtful things about my family and disappeared from me and I loved her dearly.

So, you may wonder why has she appeared after not seeing or talking to her in many years. Well, she is sick. She was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease and it is pretty severe. She doesn't remember us some days and you can forget her knowing my kids at all. Now, it is up to my family to take care of her. This has not been easy. My mom has MS and the stress is not been good on her health and I am pregnant and exhausted. It has really been draining. I have really had to work on bitterness. There are parts of me that want a relationship but the major part is bitter and hurt. How can she expect me to come visit her because she is lonely when she broke my heart at 5? Why should I risk that again? But then, there is the part that knows how much I once loved her. I wanted to live with her. I would love to have that back. But the reality is, I can't and I want.

I have done a lot of thinking this past week and I have come to some harsh realities. Bitterness breeds only evil. She is like she is because she was bitter about my grandad and she never dealt with it. She has held on to that anger for over 30 years and it has eaten her up. She doesn't even know what happiness is because she has surrounded herself with anger. That led me to the book of Job. Talk about someone that was dealt a terrible hand of fate. I think most of us would have given up early into his struggles. Honestly, if you take away my kids, I am done. But, he kept with it. It is so reassuring that God is there even when I am bitter. He is right there with me holding his arms out to run to Him. I think that is a great lesson and one I am really working on right now.

I have added a video that spoke directly to me about a new perspective on that bitterness. It is 10 minutes long but is so good. It is by Rob Bell. I put it in a different post due to the length of this post. Watch it. It will change you.

Rain: Rob Bell

If you have not ever heard of Rob Bell or his Nooma videos, you are missing one of my favorite videos. Here is a vidoe about the love of our Father.

Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make A Difference

I was able to read Max Lucado's newest book, Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make a Difference. In this book, Mr. Lucado encourages you to step outside of the comfort zone to make a difference for Christ. He discusses the urgent spot our world is currently in today. He challenges you, as a common person, to go out and search for ways to reach the lost and hurting.

I enjoyed this book a great deal. As usual, Max brings stories to life and reflects on various aspects of those stories to challenge you to make a difference. this book also has questions over each chapter and things to do to get started on making a difference. This book is easy to read but has many challenging moments as well. I would encourage anyone that wants to be challenged to make a difference to read this new book!

Songs

I will admit that I am sleep deprived this morning so hopefully this will make sense. I have been thinking about this all morning.

I love music. It was the way I learned my multiplication facts, how I calmed myself down as a kid, and how I praise God most often. I was listening to my ipod this morning thinking about the different songs I have downloaded. I started thinking about the songs that mean the most to me. So here are some songs that mean so much to me (in no particular order)
1). Praise You In This Storm by the Casting Crowns- this song is what helped me get through the loss of my baby girl in 2007.
2). Happy Am I- this is a song we have sang at church since Todd was little. He loved this song and I can remember him singing as loud as he could "ME MY".
3). It Is Well With My Soul- This song was sang at my grandmother's funeral. My mom and her siblings sang it so beautifully in honor of their mom. I still can't get through this song without crying.
4). Life Is A Highway by Rascal Flatts and I Just Can't Wait To Be King- Todd loved the movie Cars and The Lion King we would sing and dance to these songs over and over.
5). The Lily Of The Valley- On old song that makes me laugh. My brother and I used a Howdy-Dowdy puppet and put on a puppet show and this is one of the songs he sang. It was one of the most hilarious things my brother and I did.
6). I'm Yours by Jason Mraz- this song would quiet Jackson down as a baby and I heard it often! I remember his curled up in my arms relaxing as I sang this song.
7) Pachabel's Cannon- the song played in our wedding. It was a day I married my best friend and my soul mate! It makes me happy to hear it play.
8). It's So Hard To Say Goodbye by Boys To Men- The song they played at my brother's graduation. It still makes me sad to hear that song.
9). Purer In Heart Oh God (and many other hymns)- my mom would sing or whistle hymns while she worked. As a kid, I can member her voice singing. It makes me think of my childhood.
10). Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice- We can't leave out such an icon of my days!

I could go on and on. I love the meaning of song and the way they impact our lives. So, what songs bring back memories for you?

Cast Of Characters by Max Lucado

I was able to review the book Cast Of Characters: Commom People in the Hands of an Uncommon God by Max Lucado. I enjoyed the book greatly. This book was an easy to read book but was packed with insighful words. In this book, Max Lucado looks at many characters from the Bible that were common people. He shows the way that God used those common people to further His kingdom. Some of these characters are very familiar one and others are less common people in the Bible. In each chapter, he helps relate that to our lives today. There are also a few questions at the end of each chapter as well.

Overall, I really enjoyed the book. It was not hard to read but challenged me at the same time. I will say that if you are an avid Max Lucado reader, you may not like this book. Each of these chapters are pulled from previous books of his. You may have already read these ideas before. I would recommend this book to someone that wants an easy, fast book to read that will still challenge you to become a better person and to realize that God can use even the common person for His work!

Overwhelmed

That pretty much sums up my feeling right now. As January approaches, I realize how much I need to get done before we add another baby to this family! I have just moved Jackson from a bottle to a sippy cup, which was a HUGE battle. I also am going to move him out of the crib over Fall Break so it does not mess up Todd at school. I would also like to start the potty training process some. Add on top of all of that the organizational stuff that has to be done and I am thinking January of 2012 I might be ready for a 3 child!

No, really, I am really starting to wonder how I am going to deal with a 8 1/2 year old, a 27 month old that is in to EVERYTHING, and a newborn!! I know I will do it and it has been done before but sometimes I wonder if I will come out of this experience sane! I may be so tired that I sleep for 10 years after they are grown!!

However, I think about the this verse: Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)
"Don't you see that children are God's best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep."

I am blessed with 2 amazing kids and God found fit to bless us with another child. We will be full of children in our house but also full of laughter and joy. So, I will turn the worries and fears over to God and enjoy my little blessings!

So much going on..

Well, a lot has been going on in the Beasley household. I will use pictures to update.

We found out in early June we were going to have baby number 3. It was not planned and we were over a month when I figured it out. I took 4 tests because I did not think it was possible. After trying for 3 years, how could an accident happen in one month. The answer is: because God is in control not me. I was very upset for a few days but quickly got over it and I am excited now. Many people are betting on a girl. I have not decided what I think. Logistically it would be easier for it to be a boy since the baby and Jackson will be 27 months apart. Ugh, that makes me sick when I hear that!

Because if #3, we had to purchase a van. We decided to start looking early so we would have the upper hand in dealing with the dealerships. We could "take our time". All the time, I was praying for an obvious choice. God again provided. This van was perfect for us. It had everything we wanted including the DVD! They gave us a great deal and now it is ours. Funny thing is, our insurance even went down! God is so amazing!!

We celebrated Todd's 8th birthday. I can't believe he is getting so big. I am so in love with this boy. His heart is amazing and he keeps me laughing. He has really begun to ask about becoming a christian is really studying that and asking questions. He is not ready yet but his heart is so tender, it won't be too many more years. He is a true blessing in our lives. He has been the one praying for another baby, by the way! I am telling you he has a great relationship with God!

We had to change his party because he got pink eye the day before his party. Luckily, everyone could still come. We used my parent's slide and they loved it!

This precious boy is still not sleeping through the night most nights. He is getting his 2 year molars and is struggling with them. We say he just wants to keep us prepared for no sleep come January. His language is exploding as well as his personality. He is so much like me it is scary. He keeps us on out toes but is such a gift!

Well, that updates you. I have been so sick with this pregnancy. I so wished I was a person that just gets a little sick. No, I puke every night 2-5 times. I have kept dinner down 3 nights in the last 2 1/2 weeks. I will be glad when we are over this phase! I might not hate being pregnant if I weren't so sick!

DVD Read and Share Bible: Life and Miracles

I have to admit I was very excited to review this Read and Share DVD for Thomas Nelson's Book Sneeze Club. I am a fan of the Read and Share Bible and so I thought the DVD would be great. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I sat down to watch it with my 7 year old son. He liked it and was able to realize that many of the stories were present in the book of John. However, I felt it was a little choppy in its story line. I also felt like some things were added for effects and was not written in the Bible. The graphics were appealing and the stories were fairly simple. It is just not word for word from the text. If that doesn't bother you then I think it would be a good visual for kids to watch. I feel it would be good for children 2-5 perhaps. It wasn't in depth enough for older kids. I am glad that I have this video for references for my younger son but I am glad I did not perchase it for full price. I would have been upset.

Class reunion

15 years ago, I had just finished high school and was preparing to move to Searcy, Arkansas to attend college. I had no idea the road that would be before me. I could not fathom that some days I would cry wishing I could run back to my home and be in the security of high school again. There would be other days that I would gleefully celebrate my independence. But one thing I would know for certain was that I had been blessed with a childhood that had prepared me for those days ahead.
I had the opportunity this weekend to take a step back in time. Yes, I was back in high school. Sure, we've all matured, at least a little. We've gotten married and have children. But, we are still amazing people with big dreams. Some of us have had huge bumps in our journeys that have shook us to the core. Others, have been blessed with smoother rides. But, through it all, we have remained those same aspiring girls. These were the girls that would help develop me into who I am today.
Girls, it was an honor to call you friends then and an even great honor to be able to still call you friends after 15 years! I love you all and look forward to our next getaway together! May you all be blessed with laughter and love and never forget the memories of high school!
By the way, I would post pictures but we didn't take any. We were too busy laughing and talking. Besides, we don't look any different!

Bucket List

I am obviously behind in my movie watching. The movie Bucket List is not a new movie but I just watched it last night. I cried like a baby. That is mainly because my friend that passed away was planning on seeing this movie. It reminded me of her but I felt like it was speaking to me as well.

I am going to write something that very few people know but will explain why this movie touched me. Several months after the death of my friend (remember the minister's wife that left 3 young children behind) I had been praying that night and explaining to God that I still just didn't get why she died. She was crucial to our church and her family. That night, I had the most amazing dream of my life. I met her in my dreams. She hugged me, as she normally would. We sat and talked. She asked about things like her kids, her husband, and the church. We had the most amazing conversation. She finally stood up and said she had to go. I told her I needed to know why she had to die. She grabbed my hand and stated that she had asked that when she first met Christ. She went on to say that it was because she was about to be very sick. For those of us that know her, that would have killed her. She was not one to take time for herself or let others wait on her. As she got ready to leave, she hugged me and said that God had spared her and her family from an illness. Just like that she was gone. When I awoke, I felt as though she had really been right there. I even looked around to make sure I was at home and not in a casket somewhere!

As I watched this movie last night, it brought back that conversation. I have never had a dream like that before. I guess that is why this movie was hard to watch. As I went to bed, I could not get this out of my mind. So, as I laid down, I cried tears. Tears of sadness for my friend that I miss daily and tears of gratefulness for protecting her.

The Word of Promise New Testament Audio Bible

Since I am part of Thomas Nelson's reading program, I was able to review The Word of Promise New Testament Audio Bible in the NKJV. I was very excited to see this as an option to review because my husband has wanted an audio version for his car. This version had a great line-up of well know stars including: Richard Dreyfuss, Luke Perry, Michael W. Smith, and many more. As I listened to it, I did find that it was done very well. It was not like any audio version I had ever heard. The characters had expression in passion in their voices. It was fairly easy to follow along with it. The only downfall I found was that it took some time to figure out whose voice was whose. It did not say Jesus said or John said. That character would just start talking. Once I got accustomed to their voices it was very easy to follow. It even captivated my 7 year old's attention. I would definitely recommend this is you are wanting an audio Bible. It was very good!

The above picture is Todd's best friends home. I think they were spared much damage but we have been unable to reach them because they are out of power.

These people are members at our church. As you see, their house was for sale. They are moving to WI to run a church camp. They were hoping to move in the next few weeks.

Flooding

These are pictures taken by friends dipicting the flood. This unlike anything I have ever seen. We were very blessed to be spared from the flooding. We got 18+ inches in 2 days. These are pictures of neigborhoods in the community where we go to church. Please pray for these people. They are gathering the pieces. They do not have flood insurance because this has never happened before!

10 Feet Of Water Floods Opryland Hotel - Video - WSMV Nashville

This is the footage of the Opryland Hotel. This is where I spent all last week taking classes. This is truly unbelievable!

10 Feet Of Water Floods Opryland Hotel - Video - WSMV Nashville

I Can Only Imagine..

Every time I hear these words, it reminds me of the christian song that was popular in 2002. I know the date well because I listened to this song all of the time when I was typing IEP's in Oklahoma just months before I would have Todd. I loved this song instantly and it still holds the spot of an all-time favorite song.

I have often wondered what I will do when I see my Lord for the first time. It is a thought that brings chills to my body and a grin to my face. I imagine I will respond in numerous ways but perhaps awe will be my first response.

I love to talk about spiritual things with Todd. I have said before that he is the most spiritually deep young child I have encountered. He thinks outside of the box and I love that! We were discussing the meaning of Easter on Saturday night. We began taking about songs that we would probably sing and their meanings. That lead to a very long and detailed discussion about Heaven and Hell. We ended up talking about the song I already mentioned. He knows the song because we listen to it often. I asked him what did he think he would do when he first saws Jesus after I had explained the lyrics of the song on the few things he didn't understand. I expected him to say one of the things we had just discussed. He first said he would ask Him questions about things he always wanted to know. I then asked if that was the first thing he would do and he explained that there was one other thing he would do. He looked at me and said he would hug Him first. Oh, my heart exploded. He understood! He knows what Christ had done for Him and he understands the sacrifice that He made. I reached up and hugged him myself. All I could choke out was,"Perfect Todd".

I am sure that is what He wants from all of us. he wants that relationship and that innocence. Know, when I hear that song, it won't be the dancing, the awe, or the falling on my knees I imagine. It will be that hug!

I Can Only Imagine..

Hurt

Do you ever have those times when your heart just hurts. It hurts so bad words cannot express. My heart is hurting and there is not one thing I can do about it and it is killing me!!

There is a 4th grader at Todd's school who has battled cancer for 4 years. She has a very aggressive form and it has taken over her body. She is now on oxygen all them time and is no longer talking. She is the most amazing little girl and her hours are numbered. Her family is so strong but they are human. They are dying inside because there is not one thing they can do to help her. She has put up a courageous battle but her time to go Home is coming fast. My heart aches constantly for her family. She is only 2 years older than my precious Todd and I cannot imagine life without him. This has rocked my world beneath me. I find myself crying all day mourning for this family and the pain they are enduring! This week was Kelsi week in the community and I fear she will die during her week.

Please join me in prayer. I know that God can change this now. It is not too late for great miracles. But like her mom said, "we have to abide in His plans". If it is her time, please pray for peace. Peace in her family with the decisions they have made, peace in the community, and peace with those 4th grade students who will have to grown up and face the fact that we are fragile and only here for a time. Those innocent girls that were her best friends are going to have a hard time. Please pray for Kelsie( girl), Tammy (Mom), David (dad), and Cody (older brother). They are in great pain and I fear more is to come!

Avril Lavigne - I'm With You Lyrics

I usually listen to christian music. Today, Brad and Todd were gone to soccer and Jackson was asleep. I decided to turn on the Kelly Clarkson station on Pandora. I was really enjoying the music when an Avril Lavigne song came on. I have heard this song before and knew that it had a "bad word" in it and that I liked the beat of the music. However, today I payed attention to the words are was disturbed. Here they are:

Avril Lavigne - I'm With You Lyrics:
"I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening, but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you
(Mmm..)

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
Cause nothing's going right and
Everythings a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you
Yeah, yeah

Oh!
Why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah!

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you"

I was frightened that this is the way our teens feel. Do they often feel this way because this was a popular song among teens. Was this song putting those thoughts in their head. The thought of young kids wanting to know "Isn't anyone trying to find me".

As Todd approaches the teens, I admit I am scared! I was a good kid. Sure, I lied and rebelled at times, but it was minor things. It scares me to think about my sweet boy feeling this way. And then, who are they reaching for? A random stranger?
I am sure the song did not mean God. But, my hope is that if Todd gets lost in his feelings, he will be reaching for someone that is not a stranger but the ultimate comforter, Our Heavenly Father.
Isaiah 49:13
"Shout for Joy, O Heavens;
rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, O mountains!
For the Lord comforts His people
and will have compassion on His afflicted ones."

1st haircut

We took Jackson this weekend to get his first haircut. He had really fuzzy hair. He did not have the cute little baby curls like most babies. It was also driving Brad crazy so we cut it. I have to say that it made me want to cry. Since he is my last baby, I want him to stay little longer. It is not going to happen, though. He is on the fast track of life! He is trying to keep up with big brother, "Odd" , as he calls him since he can't say the t sound yet. Here is the before and after pictures.

See the fuzzy hair!

He had long hair in the front that was getting in his eyes.

He looks like a little man now .

The back made the biggest difference. He looks so much older now!

Sick...

of my baby being sick. I just had to let that out!

Remembering

There are some memories in my mind that will never go away. Some are very positive like my wedding day, the birth of my boys, times I spent with my family, etc. Others are so painful like my mom and aunts singing at my grandmother's funeral, the phone call informing me of a dear friend's death, etc. However, having a miscarriage was one of those memories.
Today, a high school friend of mine went through this for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. As I read about her loss today, I felt all of those feelings again. My heart sank for her because that is the most painful thing I ever encountered. That was the one event that I questioned God more than ever. I am not proud of this but it is a fact. I thought that it was God's will to have this baby since we had tried for 4 years. Though I am not proud of these comments, I will list some of the things I said during these days..

• that was a cruel joke
• does he really care
• he must have the wrong person b/c I am not strong enough to handle this
• If he is so great, why didn't he heal her
• This is so unfair

You get the point. I said and thought things that were awful. I am ashamed of those and I am sorry for saying them but I was devastated and broken.

I shared in our ladies class that losing Faith, what we named our little girl, changed the way I prayed for life. I cried for the week that we had to wait pleading for it to be God's will to have a healthy baby. I begged for this to all go away. Obviously, my prayer was not answered that way. It was just a few weeks after my DNC that I started teaching again. I did this to get my mind off of my loss. I ended up, by God's leading, taking a job in a severely handicapped class. I had swore that I would never do this but a hand shake from a non-verbal, child with autism told me that I was where I needed to be. I had no idea that this class would help me to see God's will in my desperate prayers. You see, Faith died the week that the heart and brain were really formed. God knew that my vision for a little girl consisted of shopping trips, girl talk, and a relationship like I had with my mom. Had God allowed my little girl to live, it would have been more like respirators and therapies. God released me from that pain. He knew that would be more hurtful than losing her when I did.

Now, God could have healed her. I do not know to this day why he didn't. Maybe she would have strayed from Him. Maybe we couldn't raise a girl. I just don't know. I do know that He is a just God and sees so much more than me. But I do know that He answered my prayer. Not only that, but he gave me a special present that would make his appearance 13 months later.

I think about my daughter often. I wonder what she would have looked like and what she would have acted like. I long for the day I get to meet her. I can't imagine the joy I will feel.

So, as I lay in bed tonight, many tears will fall again as I sit at my Father's feet on my dear friends behalf. I will ask for comfort and strength. I will ask for healing and for a way to help her cope. I know that it will come to her. It came to me in a boy that didn't say a word.

I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavenas are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts".

Oh me

That is how I am feeling right now. I am a little overwhelmed. As most of you know, Jackson is on a gluten-free and dairy free diet. This is difficult since his favorite things to eat were noodles and toast. There are substitutes for these but they are not near as good and he knows it. This has really changed the way we eat. I am having to eat while he naps because he cries for anything I eat, which has gluten or dairy in it. This is not good when you are trying to lose weight because by the time I get to eat, I am STARVING! Also, eating out is impossible. We use to do this WAY more than we needed to. Now, the few times we have had to it is disastrous. All the things that Todd likes, Jackson can't have b/c of the diet issues. He loves fries and they are never GFDF. We had to get Todd shoes yesterday and we were having a hard time finding ones that fit his foot correctly. We ended up eating out at 7:30 and I ended up in the car with Jackson while they ate. I ate in the car after we left, again great for dieting. We could all eat foods on his diet but Todd does not like that food. So, one of the 2 kids are upset at anytime. This is also true some at home but it is way less extreme.

Then, we have the issues with my grandmother. She is getting old and is losing her ability to think correctly. Now, I must explain that she has burnt a lot of bridges in her life. She chose to be bitter about a divorce and take it out on her boys, my dad included. Now that things are getting bad, they are having to try to figure things out and she can be cranky. My mom has been working all day to try to see if she can find her a place. It is not looking good. I have to admit that I do not want her living with my parents and for very selfish reasons. 1). If she is there I will never get time with my mom. 2). With my mom's MS, stress makes her have difficulties and my grandmother is the definition of difficult. Due to this, I ask for prayers for my mom and dad. I pray that we can find a place. I do love her but have put up a wall because of the hurt she has caused.
Well, there you have my problems. Thanks for allowing me to vent!

Worry

I am a worry. I get this from my mom and on down the line it goes. I will admit that this is a big struggle for me. I worry about everything!! As I mentioned, I read a book by Dr. Charles Stanley. It mentioned worrying and really convicted me. I have always said that I did not have a lack of faith that God would provide. I just felt that I still had to worry about it. I really don't know why. As if I can do a better job!! Dr. Stanley stated this and it really stepped on my toes and made me reflect on my life. He correlated worrying with doubt and this is what he said about doubt:
"For most people, doubt is not a lack of believing God as much as it is a failure to discern what He is saying."
Ouch! That is a difficult statement. Could it be that I am not discerning God's will for me and that is why I am worrying and doubting?
Well, I am really working on this in 2010. I am becoming more precise in my prayers. Perhaps you would even call it bold. He already knows my thoughts anyway. He knows my fears, my weaknesses, my failures, and my doubts. So, I am really turning these over to God in 2010.
This is a big step for a worrier! I am clinging to this well know scripture:

Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done 7 then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Oh, how I look forward to that peace!

How to Reach Your Full Potential for God

I had the privileged to read the book How to Reach Your Full Potential for God by Charles F. Stanley. In this book, Dr. Stanley presents 7 essentials for becoming what God intended you to be. These essentials consists of things like having a clean heart, balancing your schedule, and having a healthy body, just to name a few. He not only introduces these essentials, he gives detailed ideas of how to improve in these areas. This book is full of biblical references to help validate his points.
I found this book absolutely life changing. It addressed so many of the "excuses" I may use to become less effective for God. I found this book very difficult to put down and looked forward to reading it each night. I felt his writing style was easy to follow and yet very challenging. This is a book that I will read again because I will gain so much from it. This was the perfect book to be reading at the beginning of the new year because it will alter many things that I do in my life and the way that I will see things from this point on. I would recommend this book to anyone that is ready to reach their full potential for God!