1st haircut

We took Jackson this weekend to get his first haircut. He had really fuzzy hair. He did not have the cute little baby curls like most babies. It was also driving Brad crazy so we cut it. I have to say that it made me want to cry. Since he is my last baby, I want him to stay little longer. It is not going to happen, though. He is on the fast track of life! He is trying to keep up with big brother, "Odd" , as he calls him since he can't say the t sound yet. Here is the before and after pictures.

See the fuzzy hair!

He had long hair in the front that was getting in his eyes.

He looks like a little man now .

The back made the biggest difference. He looks so much older now!

Sick...

of my baby being sick. I just had to let that out!

Remembering

There are some memories in my mind that will never go away. Some are very positive like my wedding day, the birth of my boys, times I spent with my family, etc. Others are so painful like my mom and aunts singing at my grandmother's funeral, the phone call informing me of a dear friend's death, etc. However, having a miscarriage was one of those memories.
Today, a high school friend of mine went through this for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. As I read about her loss today, I felt all of those feelings again. My heart sank for her because that is the most painful thing I ever encountered. That was the one event that I questioned God more than ever. I am not proud of this but it is a fact. I thought that it was God's will to have this baby since we had tried for 4 years. Though I am not proud of these comments, I will list some of the things I said during these days..

• that was a cruel joke
• does he really care
• he must have the wrong person b/c I am not strong enough to handle this
• If he is so great, why didn't he heal her
• This is so unfair

You get the point. I said and thought things that were awful. I am ashamed of those and I am sorry for saying them but I was devastated and broken.

I shared in our ladies class that losing Faith, what we named our little girl, changed the way I prayed for life. I cried for the week that we had to wait pleading for it to be God's will to have a healthy baby. I begged for this to all go away. Obviously, my prayer was not answered that way. It was just a few weeks after my DNC that I started teaching again. I did this to get my mind off of my loss. I ended up, by God's leading, taking a job in a severely handicapped class. I had swore that I would never do this but a hand shake from a non-verbal, child with autism told me that I was where I needed to be. I had no idea that this class would help me to see God's will in my desperate prayers. You see, Faith died the week that the heart and brain were really formed. God knew that my vision for a little girl consisted of shopping trips, girl talk, and a relationship like I had with my mom. Had God allowed my little girl to live, it would have been more like respirators and therapies. God released me from that pain. He knew that would be more hurtful than losing her when I did.

Now, God could have healed her. I do not know to this day why he didn't. Maybe she would have strayed from Him. Maybe we couldn't raise a girl. I just don't know. I do know that He is a just God and sees so much more than me. But I do know that He answered my prayer. Not only that, but he gave me a special present that would make his appearance 13 months later.

I think about my daughter often. I wonder what she would have looked like and what she would have acted like. I long for the day I get to meet her. I can't imagine the joy I will feel.

So, as I lay in bed tonight, many tears will fall again as I sit at my Father's feet on my dear friends behalf. I will ask for comfort and strength. I will ask for healing and for a way to help her cope. I know that it will come to her. It came to me in a boy that didn't say a word.

I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavenas are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts".

Oh me

That is how I am feeling right now. I am a little overwhelmed. As most of you know, Jackson is on a gluten-free and dairy free diet. This is difficult since his favorite things to eat were noodles and toast. There are substitutes for these but they are not near as good and he knows it. This has really changed the way we eat. I am having to eat while he naps because he cries for anything I eat, which has gluten or dairy in it. This is not good when you are trying to lose weight because by the time I get to eat, I am STARVING! Also, eating out is impossible. We use to do this WAY more than we needed to. Now, the few times we have had to it is disastrous. All the things that Todd likes, Jackson can't have b/c of the diet issues. He loves fries and they are never GFDF. We had to get Todd shoes yesterday and we were having a hard time finding ones that fit his foot correctly. We ended up eating out at 7:30 and I ended up in the car with Jackson while they ate. I ate in the car after we left, again great for dieting. We could all eat foods on his diet but Todd does not like that food. So, one of the 2 kids are upset at anytime. This is also true some at home but it is way less extreme.

Then, we have the issues with my grandmother. She is getting old and is losing her ability to think correctly. Now, I must explain that she has burnt a lot of bridges in her life. She chose to be bitter about a divorce and take it out on her boys, my dad included. Now that things are getting bad, they are having to try to figure things out and she can be cranky. My mom has been working all day to try to see if she can find her a place. It is not looking good. I have to admit that I do not want her living with my parents and for very selfish reasons. 1). If she is there I will never get time with my mom. 2). With my mom's MS, stress makes her have difficulties and my grandmother is the definition of difficult. Due to this, I ask for prayers for my mom and dad. I pray that we can find a place. I do love her but have put up a wall because of the hurt she has caused.
Well, there you have my problems. Thanks for allowing me to vent!

Worry

I am a worry. I get this from my mom and on down the line it goes. I will admit that this is a big struggle for me. I worry about everything!! As I mentioned, I read a book by Dr. Charles Stanley. It mentioned worrying and really convicted me. I have always said that I did not have a lack of faith that God would provide. I just felt that I still had to worry about it. I really don't know why. As if I can do a better job!! Dr. Stanley stated this and it really stepped on my toes and made me reflect on my life. He correlated worrying with doubt and this is what he said about doubt:
"For most people, doubt is not a lack of believing God as much as it is a failure to discern what He is saying."
Ouch! That is a difficult statement. Could it be that I am not discerning God's will for me and that is why I am worrying and doubting?
Well, I am really working on this in 2010. I am becoming more precise in my prayers. Perhaps you would even call it bold. He already knows my thoughts anyway. He knows my fears, my weaknesses, my failures, and my doubts. So, I am really turning these over to God in 2010.
This is a big step for a worrier! I am clinging to this well know scripture:

Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done 7 then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Oh, how I look forward to that peace!

How to Reach Your Full Potential for God

I had the privileged to read the book How to Reach Your Full Potential for God by Charles F. Stanley. In this book, Dr. Stanley presents 7 essentials for becoming what God intended you to be. These essentials consists of things like having a clean heart, balancing your schedule, and having a healthy body, just to name a few. He not only introduces these essentials, he gives detailed ideas of how to improve in these areas. This book is full of biblical references to help validate his points.
I found this book absolutely life changing. It addressed so many of the "excuses" I may use to become less effective for God. I found this book very difficult to put down and looked forward to reading it each night. I felt his writing style was easy to follow and yet very challenging. This is a book that I will read again because I will gain so much from it. This was the perfect book to be reading at the beginning of the new year because it will alter many things that I do in my life and the way that I will see things from this point on. I would recommend this book to anyone that is ready to reach their full potential for God!

It's been a while

Todd at his first NFL game and it was a great one!!

Jackson with his toy Todd made for him last year. He loves it b/c it has Todd saying I love you!

Christmas card failed attempt #1. Have I mentioned that this child is fast. Brad was taking the picture the minute my hand left the hat and he still beat us a few times!

I have not blogged in so long. Part of that is because I have not had much to say. I have been spending some time thinking about the many blessings I have and the fact that I am unworthy for all of it! However, the main reason is SICKNESS!! I am so tired of this family being sick. Jackson has been the worst of all. In November, he managed to lose 2 pounds due to stomach virus things. We are still having trouble with that sensitive stomach. Please pray that we figure this out. It has begun to really alter our lifestyle. We have to be so careful what he eats. Please pray we outgrow this soon!! I hope to post some more soon. Until then, here is my cute kiddos!

Melissa And Doug free giveaway

There is a contest going on to win a great puppet stage from Melissa And Doug company. I have always wanted one but could not afford them. You may want to take a look.
www.melissaanddoug.com Follow the links to the contest. It ends soon.

Read and Share The Story of Christmas

I had the pleasure of reviewing The Story of Christmas by Gwen Ellis. This book is in Thomas Nelson's line of Read and Share stories for children. This book is ideal for young children because of the simplicity of the pictures and the simple sentence structures. There are fewer words on each page and large pictures. There is also a question at the end of each chapter, which is good to engage the children. These questions can be appropriate for an older age child, too. Overall, I feel this would be good for children ages 2-6.

I really enjoyed the DVD that came with the book. The pictures are very child-friendly and colorful. There are also a few coloring pages that are mainly animals that are great for young children.

Overall, I think this would be a great book to help keep children focused on the birth of Jesus for Christmas. That is why I am giving this book a 4 1/2 star. I think the DVD makes the mark a little higher.

Questions Song Lyrics | Steven Curtis Chapman Lyrics | Christian Music Song Lyrics | NewReleaseTuesday.com

This song is amazing. So often I question things that happen. Steven Curtis Chapman released an album that is his raw emotions that surrounde the death of his daughter. These songs are such great reminders of the goodness that God has and that He is in control and beside us in all trials!

Questions By Steven Curtis Chapman

Who are you God
For You are turning out to be
so much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Because I am finding life to be
So much harder than I planned

Know that I am afraid
to ask these questions
But you know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like how could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a worls that can be so apinful

And where were you God
I know You had to be right there
I know You never turned Your head

You know that I am confused
By all of this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust You do
Oh You know that I trust in You

Is it true
That for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Because you weep for those that weap

And are You there, just holding Yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just can't understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming
OHHH
Redemption is coming
OHH

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord come quickly
OHHH

So who am I god
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe Your life and Your love in me
You know that I believe
And make a world that can be so painful

Called To Worship

I have been reading a book titled Called To Worship by Vernon M. Whaley. This book takes you on journey studying worship throughout the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. Dr. Whaley has taken some familiar stories and some unfamiliar stories and related them back to our purpose: worshipping God.

Though this is a lengthy book ( 300+ pages), I found myself captivated by the points Dr. Whaley makes. This book is very good for people that do not know all of the stories because he discusses them at length. This was the only downfall for me. Sometimes the "background information" was too lengthy since I am familiar with most of the stories he discussed. However, I enjoyed reading them because he pulled out themes of worship I had not thought of prior to this book. Overall, I was very challenged and called to a higher need for true worship in my life.

One year ago

We were blessed to welcome Jackson into the world. He was such a blessing to us and a gift. He keeps us on our toes at ALL times. His laughter brightens our days. I think he will have some similarities to Todd but will have his own aspects, too. He loves to read books and climb into buckets. He likes cars or trucks and he loves the dogs and his brother. He is beginning to use lots of language. He says bye, momma, dadda, buba, dog, five, and has his own "words" for buddy, rocket, see you, and peek-a-boo. He can get anywhere he wants to go. He can clap, too.

Jackson, you were an answered prayer for many of us. You are blessed to have the best big brother you could have. May God continue to bless you just as you have blessed us!

3 months old

1 year old

troubled times

I have become a reviewer for Thomas Nelson books. I get to pick a book and read it and then post reviews of the book. I am just now on my first book. I will be posting a review of it soon, but this was too good to wait.

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed at times lately. I know so many people that have been struggling. I had considered posting this but had not gotten around to it. After reading my friend Tamara's post, I decided this would be a good time to post it. I am obviously not the only person feeling overwhelmed.

As I look over our daily e-mails, I am seeing so much sickness, death, children with difficulties, people taking their own lives, losing jobs, losing homes, etc. You name it and I seem to know someone dealing with it. It is often times like these that I begin to wonder where God is. Sure, I know he is in the midst of it, but where is his stance and why is all of this happening?

In the book I have been reading, it discussed the Israelites. In Jericho, there was a 15' high wall. It was impossible for the Israelites to penetrate the wall on their own. However, God knew that the land He had promised was on the other side. Then, they had to cross the river. How could they do these things? Was it an easy feat? I don't think so. They stepped out in faith. They trusted God and did as they were told. None of it made real sense to them. They did not wait for the obstacle to move, they just walked out in faith. They took the first step. Some days, that is all we can do is take the step. We don't have the energy to go any further.

That is how I feel right now. These problems are like that 15' wall or that river. There is NO way we can solve these problems alone. We must just step out in faith and let God take over. We have to continue to worship Him in full confidence that He is in control and on the other side is the land he has promised us.

As we step, we must not do it alone. We have to have support from those around us. I think that is the point of all of these trials. We have become so self-dependent. We do not think we need anyone else. We think we can do it alone. I think with all of our struggles, we are turning more to God and those around us. I believe God is thinking, "They are finally getting it". So, as we struggle, let's help one another and ask for deliverance from these trying times!

Depressing

Okay, I will warn you, this post is dark.....

I have to say, I am very blessed to not deal with depression on a regular basis. I have had a few times when I definitely felt myself sinking in that hole, but I do not struggle with that feeling. The times I had that feeling, it was awful.
Today, I got word that a young girl, 26, took her own life. She had a son that was Todd's age that she loved dearly. She was involved in his everyday activities and had even posted a picture of her and him on her facebook page this weekend and stated that life was not that bad after all. This story has haunted me for several reasons. One, I cannot imagine Brad having to tell Todd his mom had killed herself because things in this world were too bad. Two, the pain that the family is enduring is mind boggling. Three, how lost she must have felt to decide to end her life. It makes me sad to the core. I cannot fathom that feeling. I hurt for her. She had bipolar disorder and often struggled with it. On the outside, she was gorgeous. She had so much going for her. I just hurt for her. The thoughts that ran through her mind in those last minutes must have been terrible. She left a note, though I do not know the reason she gave yet. What was she thinking and how did she respond? I am saying many prayers for her broken family. I guess I just don't get it. I pray that I never do.
This story leads me to a question.. Why are so many young people choosing this as an option? Is it money, loneliness, hurts, sicknesses? I just wished I knew so that we could work to stop it. Just pray for those in her family.

Todd Funny

Todd is such a literal child. This quality makes him hilarious at times. 2 years ago you may remember that the staph infection made it's debut. Everyone was going crazy that we would all die from it. the school had sent out numerous sheets explaining how they were sterilizing and keeping things clean. I was teaching this year so I was able to hear all of the conversations taking place at school. They were encouraging ridiculous amount of hand washing and sterilization. It had become such an ordeal that the central office ran out of paper towels. They became a hot item. So, the new spill was keep your hands sanitized but use only one paper towel because they have to cut down trees to make those. Now, fast forward 2 years to yesterday. As I pulled up to the patio to drop Todd off, I commented that they had chopped down the shrubs. Now, I wish I had a picture of before and after of these shrubs. They were huge and now they are a stub. At this point, Todd is quiet. He is a nature loving soul that hates to think of any animal or tree being destroyed. Suddenly, very matter-of-fact, he says, "The school must have needed paper towels". Then, we pull up to see the shrubs on the other side of the porch look the same. He groans and says, "The must have REALLY needed paper towels". Inside I was cracking up but he was as serious as he could be. I admit, I didn't say anything because if I had told him the truth he would have been very upset. Literal children are so much fun!

New Look

I wanted a new look for the blog. As I looked at the different choices, I saw the pretty pinks and greens. I was going to do one of those because I don't get to use those colors in my house. It was then that I saw this background. I immediately thought of my boys. They are my little monkeys that are everywhere. Jackson is walking everywhere and Todd has always been busy. So, I will keep my little monkey's on here for a while. I hope you like them!

Humble

Humble.. that is not an easy word for many of us. I have always considered myself a pretty humble person until recently. God has opened my eyes to the truth about humility.
The dictionary describes humble as the following:
1 : not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2 : reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission
3 : ranking low in a hierarchy or scale

I guess I have always looked at humility like the first definition. I am not assertive by nature nor am I arrogant (most of the time). It was the second definition that really caught me: offered in a spirit of defence or SUBMISSION. Whoa! You mean submission has something to do with being humble?

This is how the dictionary describes submissive:
1. a : to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b : to permit oneself to be subjected to something
2 : to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another

I don't struggle with being submissive to Brad. I am blessed with a wonderful, loving man. His spiritual leading is amazing. He follows God's leading in his decisions.


However, can I say I am always submissive to God? Absolutely not! I have doubted Him. I have questioned Him often and quite frankly, I have been angry with Him and have chosen my own way. Why? When will I ever learn? Will I ever let go of that control completely? Many times I find myself going to God in times of trials. I will say, "If it is Your will". But many times I am really meaning, "Make Your will the same as mine and then things will be good". I am trying to get to a point where I can accept all of the things in my life as HIS will. That can be so hard! I came across this chapter. I do not often put an entire chapter on here, but it all spoke to me.

Psalm 25 (New Living Translation)

1 O Lord, I give my life to you. 2 I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. 3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.
4 Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. 5 Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. 6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past. 7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.
8 The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray. 9 He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. 10 The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.
11 For the honor of your name, O Lord, forgive my many, many sins. 12 Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. 13 They will live in prosperity, and their children will inherit the land. 14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him. He teaches them his covenant. 15 My eyes are always on the Lord, for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.
16 Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. 17 My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! 18 Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins. 19 See how many enemies I have and how viciously they hate me! 20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them! Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge. 21 May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you.
22 O God, ransom Israel from all its troubles.

So many times, I have felt verse number 17. It is verse 5 I need to do.. ALL DAY LONG. I am so thankful that I am given mercy!
I could not write on being humble without adding James 4:10. This is a great scripture that I can't read but sing!
James 4:10 (New International Version)
10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Well, I will stop my personal sermon. I am really working on being humble to God!

various thoughts

Okay, so it has been a while. I have really been in deep thought lately. I have found myself really searching what God wants me to do on several things. I will post on that later. For now here is what is going on..

Jackson turned 10 months and I can't believe it. Time is moving so much quicker with him than Todd. He is officially walking. It cracks me up. Todd did not walk until 13 months but he skipped the teetering stage. I am trying to get video of him to post b/c it is so cute! He is full of energy and is very determined. I am going to have my hands full.

Todd started 2nd grade. I can't believe I have a 2nd grader. To all of my high school friends.. Didn't we just wear ugly chorus dresses and eat outside for lunch 2 years ago? It has not really been 14 years ago!! I am really starting to think I am getting old.

Anyway, Todd does not like school. He never has. If given the choice, he would be homeschooled so that he could stay home and work on challenging work. He is smart and gets bored. On the way to school this is the discussion we had..

T: When did you start school each year?

M: We started either late August or early September.

T: Why do we have to start so early?

M: That is just the way it is now.

T: Why? All we do is start by reviewing what we did last year. Couldn't we just start later and skip that?

M: (Silence at first) Good point, Todd.

Finally: I was going to share a sweet picture of the 2 sweet boys that God has blessed me with.

Day 2

Okay, I have so much to post about but I don't have much time. So, here it is. I have officially started a diet. Really, I have got to do something and my baby excuses are gone. I am on day 2. I will keep you updated. Why does this have to be so hard. I am always made very aware of my lack of discipline. I am sure God is teaching me a lot.

The Label

Many of you may not know, my original major was elementary education. At the end of my junior year, I was in a position where I needed to take some extra classes to stay full time but I could not graduate early due to pre-student teaching and student teaching having to be in separate semesters. I was advised to pick up an additional major of ESL or special education. For my high school friends, you know Spanish class was not my area of talent. (Anyone remember all of the craziness in that class?) So, I picked Sp. Ed. I was only doing it to be "more marketable". I did not know that it would be my passion years later. However, no one told me I would stick out like a sore thumb one day.

I plainly remember my first job, which I was not passionate about sp ed at that time. I was standing in the hall of a middle school open house talking to another teacher. A parent walked up to us and said, "You all must be the special education teachers". I was a little angry. I looked down to double check that I didn't have mismatched shoes or socks. I wanted to know if I had a special ed sticker on my head.

I also wasn't told that other teachers look at "us" differently. Every school, I had to prove myself. I later realized, some sp ed teachers are lazy and get into the field to do nothing. Therefore, we often get a bad reputation.

Anyway, all of that mumbling to get to my current story. I went to Walmart to shop. That was stupid, I know. I was talking to a teacher I worked for last year before I got my full time position. She was out on medical leave. As we were talking, a lady my age walked up with a bag of instant potatoes wanting to know how to make them and were they healthy and was there something else healthier because her kids were huge (my word not hers) and needed to lose weight. It was obvious she was unable to read nor comprehend. For the next hour, I was helping her get salt, noodles, cheese, etc for some recipe on the back of a box of whole grain noodles. She had passed numerous people to get to me. Had it been 1999, I would have been offended and been looking for the label, Special Ed teacher, on my head. However, I now see it as a chance I had to help a lady. Todd and Jackson could not have been any better. I got more looks in that hour than I get in 10 trips to Walmart. Some looked at me like I was crazy. Others looked at me like I was sick and some looked compassionate. At the end of our trip, she looked at me and said, "you must go to church". I told her I did. We exchanged the names and denominations of our church, which happened to be the same. She then said my church must have many nice people, which we do. Then she began telling me that she had tried to get help in another store and no one would help. My heart almost broke for her. How challenging must it be to try to fix healthy food when you can't read or understand the food pyramid.

After we were done, I was able to talk to Todd about helping her and that being the nice thing to do. We also talked about the fact that she knew we were Christians because we helped her. We were all tired but I was thankful I had that label on my head and that God had provided me with the abilities to help her!

These verses came to mind when I was helping her...

Matthew 25:34-40. (Where Jesus says what you did for the least of these you did for me.)