A smile means so much

This picture is blurry because our camera batteries were dying but it was a moment that couldn't wait on new batteries. Brad had been working for days to get Luke to smile at him. He had been smiling at me for a while and would not crack even a grin at Brad. He would talk and talk to him each evening in hopes to get a smile. Well, 2 nights ago, Brad was talking and this is what Luke did in response. He smiled many more times and has done it since easily. I grabbed the camera and snapped that first smile.

This story got me thinking about my heavenly father. He works and works on me to get me to pay attention and take delight in him. He doesn't give up! He tries everything he can think of to get me to look and take joy in him. Then, when I finally lock into him, I can't help but smile. And His response is joy beyond description.

I also love the way Brad's hand is holding his head. It reminds me of my father holding me. Brad's hand is huge compared to his head and it is protecting him from harm (like basketballs being shot on the goal in the house). Not only does my father want my attention, but he is holding me up trying to protect me while I gaze upon his face.

I came across this scripture:

"The LORD makes firm the steps

of the one who delights in him;

though he may stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand. "Psalm 37:23-24

Wow. What powerful words. He holds me even when I stumble. Thank you, Lord because I stumble a lot!

And then there were 3..

So, it is no secret that we had planned on only having 2 children. We had always said when you get 3 kids you are outnumbered and can no longer play one-on-one. Well, God had other plans for our lives. He decided to bless us with Luke. He is a blessing and don't think otherwise. However, I had no idea how difficult going to 3 children really would be. Some days, I find myself coming and going. With Luke and Jackson being only 27 months apart (another problem), it is very difficult. Then, throw in an 8 year old that has homework and sports schedules and you get one tired momma! I love them so much and cannot imagine my life without them, but this has been difficult. I feel like someone is always getting ignored. Poor Luke has cried more than either of the other 2 boys because I am bust taking care of something else. I know things will calm down soon. Until then, I go to sleep the minute my head hits the pillow at nights and during the day if I get a chance. (Kristin, I can't imagine life with 4 kids and homeschooling. God bless you!)

But then, I look at this and I smile and thank God for the blessings and the wisdom to do it His way!

You've got to be kidding

So, today I confirmed what I had been feeling.. Luke has allergy issues too. I thought this was coming because his sleeping habits have started to become like Jackson's, aka not sleeping without being held upright all night. Today I took him to the doctor and he said that we would treat him for acid reflux. He also confirmed that there was microscopic blood in his stool so there is an allergy. I am nursing, though it is not my favorite thing to be doing, so I am going to have to try to cut out dairy. Okay, that is difficult for me. I love cheese. Cheese makes EVERYTHING better. I am giving it a try. I am thinking it will help me lose weight b/c nothing will taste as good. I am also giving it a try b/c if it doesn't work, we will have to go to the expensive formula again. I really don't want to do that. I am asking for you to pray for us. Pray that my poor baby gets some relief and that I can do this no dairy thing.

Sleep

I am beginning to think that I will never get a normal amount of sleep again! As most of you know, Jackson is a terrible sleep and now you add nursing a newborn to the mix and that equals feeling like a zombie at all times.

Speaking of the nursing bit, this is the first time I have been able to truly nurse a baby. I pumped some with the other boys but that was it. By 4 weeks, I had quit with both. Let me just say, this is how I felt yesterday!
I mean seriously, all I did was nurse Luke all day long. He was eating every 2 hours during the day and it takes him about 30-40 minutes to eat. By the time he got done, it was almost time to start again. I am starting to think I am not a good nursing mom. Anyway, I will quit complaining and go do something in the couple of minutes I have free!

Luke's birth story

I said that I would post the story of Luke's birth. I will divide it into 2 parts due to the length of the story.

On January 13th, I had a normal doctors visit. After a girl from high school losing a baby at 38 weeks, I was a little more in tune to the movement of the baby. I thought his movements seemed far less, though they were still in the normal number. As I drove to the dr., I prayed that if this was something to be concerned about the doctor would pay attention and if things were fine, he would ignore it. I did my typical pee in the cup, weight check, and blood pressure check. Things were all fine. They listened to the heartbeat and it sounded fine. I explained the movement and he decided to send me over to the hospital for a non-stress test. I got in the car and called Brad and my mom and told them. Brad was going to come but I felt it would be short lived so I convinced him to stay. Again, on the way I prayed for clear direction and peace of mind. I got into the hospital room at 10:30. The nurse began to ask me questions and hook me up to the monitors. Within minutes, I began to feel very hot and dizzy. I thought it was because I had not eaten breakfast because I felt sick. As I laid there, I got worse. My hearing started to go away and I was having a hard time to understanding what she was asking. Then, another nurse came in and said I didn't look so good and to roll to my side. I asked what side and she said it didn't matter so I chose my right. She said try the other side. They then put oxygen on my face. i looked over and saw that Luke's heart rate had gone from the 140's to 90 in a matter of seconds. It quickly rebounded once I was on my side and had oxygen. It was then that they told me I would be having a baby. I was taken down the hall and had papers in my face to sign about the epidural and the procedure. Between IV sticks and paper signing, I sent Brad a text saying to come to the hospital. I did not write that they were delivering b/c I didn't have time. After a few minutes, they had me call him to see how much longer b/c they were going to do it without him if he didn't get there quickly. I called and he had not left b/c he thought he had time to pass off responsibilities before he left. He made it to the hospital and they put scrubs on he and wheeled me out. The delivery itself was not any different. However, he was born at 11:48. So in an hour and 15 minutes I went from a non-stress test to having my son born.

Well, there is the first part of the birth. I have so much to write about NICU and how he got there but I will save that for later. I learned to be more prepared if I were to ever have another baby, which we don't plan on it! We didn't have the car seat in the car or the house finished. I just thought I had a little more time.

My 3rd little blessing!

I am going to write soon about Luke's dramatic entrance to this world. So many things to talk about and yet I am getting no sleep.

Hurting

I have to say that my heart is hurting tonight. I want my baby home so badly it makes me sick. I am tired of driving 2 hours or more a day to go to the hospital. I don't like that they know my face on the NICU camera to get into the unit. I don't like that my other 2 boys are suffering because I am gone and that Brad is having to work late at night because we are gone so much of the day. I JUST DON"T LIKE IT!!! However, I am drawn to this scripture:
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."
1 Peter 5:6

I know that His hand is mighty and that he will deliver me from the nightmare it will just be in His time. So in the meantime, I will cling to His promises and do the best I can to trust in Him!

Oh so hard

As I begin writing it is almost 1:30 am and I should be asleep but I just can't sleep. I have so much on my mind that I can't rest. I am having such a hard time not being able to hold Luke yet. He is so adorable and I want to be able to hold him and give him those loving hugs and kisses that Todd and Jackson got but I can't. I know that God is in control of this situation and I know that Luke is in His care. I also have complete faith that God will heal my baby but it just doesn't seem fast enough. I am working on that. I can't wait to see Luke's personality. I know he was our little gift from God. Please continue to pray for that healing and pray for me and those after pregnancy hormones that are going crazy! Here is my sweet baby!

A little shaken

I read something late last night that has haunted me since then. For those of you that went to high school with me, you will remember Sara Pigg. She is now married and has 2 boys and was due to have a little girl this week. She posted last night that her precious daughter was stillborn on Monday. I sat there and read that and began to cry. Here I am only weeks from the arrival of our precious Luke and she has just lost her precious little girl that she was so excited to have. I do not know what happened but that is irrelevant. The fact that she carried a baby for 40 weeks and then lost her is heart breaking! I cannot imagine her pain right now. I could just see the closet already stocked with all of those beautiful dresses and perhaps a Baby's 1st Christmas outfit in there, too. I woke up all night with this on my mind. each time I lifted her and her family up in my prayers and prayed for the health of my baby and the health of another friend's baby (Erika). Please pray for this family and ask the Lord to comfort them in ways that we can't fathom! Situations like this really make you reflect on the important stuff!

Just Strange

I do not know how many of you had strange dreams when you were pregnant, but I do. I just have to share my dream from this weekend. If any of you would like to try to explain it, go ahead! :)

I was at the Orpyland Hotel for a spiritual conference for mothers. I was with a variety of people I knew. Some of you were there. We were sitting outside on the grass waiting to enter the building for the key note speaker. We were all having fun until we heard a bizarre sound. We looked up and we could see hundreds of airplanes evenly spaced in the sky. We could see them in all directions as far as we could see. Then, we noticed they were dropping barrels that were attached to parachutes. We instantly were terrified. We realized that it was bombs that were going to explode upon contact. We had no way to get away. After sheer panic for a moment we decided to pray. I lead the prayer and was trying to focus on that and not watch the barrels, which were coming fast. We concluded our prayer, which was basically informing God that we were very scared and to not let this leave us severely injured. We wanted to be totally fine or dead. After the prayer, we decided that this was a terrorist attack. We knew that these people would know that destroying that many mothers and grandmothers would demolish our society. We then began to sing and read scripture try to stayed focused on God. Suddenly, we saw men in white jumpsuits landing. They looked like they were chemical warfare suits. At this point, the barrels were very close. We decided to begin praying as they landed. We were all peaking as we were praying. Suddenly, one of us busted out laughing. The rest of us found that odd and feared it was part of the chemical attack. No, instead, we discovered the barrels were full of trial size potato chips, Frisbees, back packs, etc for a marketing promotion from a chip company. We gathered out loot, headed into the building, and went on about our worshipping.

Strange, huh?

One of those days..

Today is one of tose days I am feeling overwhelmed. I know things will work out but it is just wearing on me today. Please pray for me to have that peace of knowing God is in charge!

The Gospel According To Jesus by Chris Seay

I was very excited to get the book titled: The Gospel According To Jesus by Chris Seay. I had never heard of this author but the small preview looked like a great read. I have to say I was very disappointed. This book was supposedly about the church and our misunderstanding of the meaning of righteousness.

This is the first book that I have reviewed for Thomas Nelson's Book Sneeze that was difficult for me to get through. I would have put it down and not completed it if it were not for the review I had agreed to do on this book. I felt that this author's thoughts were scattered and difficult to follow. At times, I even found some comments to be offensive. I felt like more of the book was about him and his friends' opinions than scripture backing. I found very few items that made me think in a way that he was wanting me to think. I would not recommend this book. I feel it was a huge letdown.

Pictures

I am not a huge picture taker unless I am getting professional pictures done. I have to make an effort to remember to take pictures of all of those momentous events. However, I do love to look back at pictures and remember the feeling I felt at that point.

I allow all of the pictures that I download to the computer run in a slide show as my screen saver. Last night, I sat down in my quiet house and began to watch those pictures. I could remember Todd's first smile, Jackson's first thumb sucking picture, Brad and I's wedding picture, and even my high school senior trip. I can remember each of those events meaning something difference. Some would mean a time of growing up and some would be times that forever impacted my life for the good!

One thing I realized. None of those pictures brought back pain. I did not see the pictures that reminded me of my baby girl I lost, or the financial struggles Brad and I had when we got married. I did not see the times we had lost our job or the day I found out that my mom had MS.

Perhaps that is why I find such joy in looking at those pictures. It is a reminder of how blessed I am. How God has shown favor to me and my family. I could see God's footsteps in all of those pictures. I could see Him in my son's smiles, I could see Him in Brad's face because He had lead me to Brad. I could see Him as He protected me through those tough teen years. It was just a great reminder of my God. I was then drawn to this scripture:
How can I repay the Lord for all of His goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant you freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows tot e Lord in the presence of all his people in the courts of the house of the Lord-in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.
Psalm 116: 12-19
There is no way I can repay Him for these blessing but I will try to glorify Him in all I do as a thank offering.

Wow 2 years

How is it time can move so quickly. It seems like yesterday that this boy had made his appearance into this world.

And now this is the boy that lives in my house!
Jackson was an answered prayer. He is a constant reminder of God's timing and God's gift of life. I cannot imagine my life without this boy. He is so full of life and love. He is my mini-me. He is into everything and yet loves his mommy more than anything. He can make me so mad one minute and cry from laughter the next.

Jackson, I know that God has huge plans for you! You are a gift that we could not have ever imagined. I pray that God guides your every step and that you will listen to His calling. We love watching you adore your brother and explore life. Thank you for allowing us to be your mommy and daddy! We love you, sweet tater!

Bitterness

If you were wanting and/or needing uplifting, cheerful words today, Just exit this post because it is not going to be that way today. I have not blogged in a while because I have a lot going on in my life right now. I will attempt to put it into words as best I can with a toddler running around in the background!

I will admit that I have had times when I felt like life wasn't going as I had planned. I have questioned God, cried out to God, and even cursed God because I just felt things weren't fair and he was torturing me. I am not proud of these feelings nor do I feel I was justified in saying them, but I did it anyway. I was plainly bitter!

In the past week, my granny has come to live here in my town. Many of you have lived near your grandparents your entire life. I have not lived near them most of my life. However, when I was young, we lived close to them and I though my granny was the greatest thing ever. That was before she and my grandad got divorced. After the divorce, she left the scene and we didn't even know where she lived. She has said many hurtful things about my family and disappeared from me and I loved her dearly.

So, you may wonder why has she appeared after not seeing or talking to her in many years. Well, she is sick. She was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease and it is pretty severe. She doesn't remember us some days and you can forget her knowing my kids at all. Now, it is up to my family to take care of her. This has not been easy. My mom has MS and the stress is not been good on her health and I am pregnant and exhausted. It has really been draining. I have really had to work on bitterness. There are parts of me that want a relationship but the major part is bitter and hurt. How can she expect me to come visit her because she is lonely when she broke my heart at 5? Why should I risk that again? But then, there is the part that knows how much I once loved her. I wanted to live with her. I would love to have that back. But the reality is, I can't and I want.

I have done a lot of thinking this past week and I have come to some harsh realities. Bitterness breeds only evil. She is like she is because she was bitter about my grandad and she never dealt with it. She has held on to that anger for over 30 years and it has eaten her up. She doesn't even know what happiness is because she has surrounded herself with anger. That led me to the book of Job. Talk about someone that was dealt a terrible hand of fate. I think most of us would have given up early into his struggles. Honestly, if you take away my kids, I am done. But, he kept with it. It is so reassuring that God is there even when I am bitter. He is right there with me holding his arms out to run to Him. I think that is a great lesson and one I am really working on right now.

I have added a video that spoke directly to me about a new perspective on that bitterness. It is 10 minutes long but is so good. It is by Rob Bell. I put it in a different post due to the length of this post. Watch it. It will change you.

Rain: Rob Bell

If you have not ever heard of Rob Bell or his Nooma videos, you are missing one of my favorite videos. Here is a vidoe about the love of our Father.

Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make A Difference

I was able to read Max Lucado's newest book, Outlive Your Life: You Were Made to Make a Difference. In this book, Mr. Lucado encourages you to step outside of the comfort zone to make a difference for Christ. He discusses the urgent spot our world is currently in today. He challenges you, as a common person, to go out and search for ways to reach the lost and hurting.

I enjoyed this book a great deal. As usual, Max brings stories to life and reflects on various aspects of those stories to challenge you to make a difference. this book also has questions over each chapter and things to do to get started on making a difference. This book is easy to read but has many challenging moments as well. I would encourage anyone that wants to be challenged to make a difference to read this new book!

Songs

I will admit that I am sleep deprived this morning so hopefully this will make sense. I have been thinking about this all morning.

I love music. It was the way I learned my multiplication facts, how I calmed myself down as a kid, and how I praise God most often. I was listening to my ipod this morning thinking about the different songs I have downloaded. I started thinking about the songs that mean the most to me. So here are some songs that mean so much to me (in no particular order)
1). Praise You In This Storm by the Casting Crowns- this song is what helped me get through the loss of my baby girl in 2007.
2). Happy Am I- this is a song we have sang at church since Todd was little. He loved this song and I can remember him singing as loud as he could "ME MY".
3). It Is Well With My Soul- This song was sang at my grandmother's funeral. My mom and her siblings sang it so beautifully in honor of their mom. I still can't get through this song without crying.
4). Life Is A Highway by Rascal Flatts and I Just Can't Wait To Be King- Todd loved the movie Cars and The Lion King we would sing and dance to these songs over and over.
5). The Lily Of The Valley- On old song that makes me laugh. My brother and I used a Howdy-Dowdy puppet and put on a puppet show and this is one of the songs he sang. It was one of the most hilarious things my brother and I did.
6). I'm Yours by Jason Mraz- this song would quiet Jackson down as a baby and I heard it often! I remember his curled up in my arms relaxing as I sang this song.
7) Pachabel's Cannon- the song played in our wedding. It was a day I married my best friend and my soul mate! It makes me happy to hear it play.
8). It's So Hard To Say Goodbye by Boys To Men- The song they played at my brother's graduation. It still makes me sad to hear that song.
9). Purer In Heart Oh God (and many other hymns)- my mom would sing or whistle hymns while she worked. As a kid, I can member her voice singing. It makes me think of my childhood.
10). Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice- We can't leave out such an icon of my days!

I could go on and on. I love the meaning of song and the way they impact our lives. So, what songs bring back memories for you?

Cast Of Characters by Max Lucado

I was able to review the book Cast Of Characters: Commom People in the Hands of an Uncommon God by Max Lucado. I enjoyed the book greatly. This book was an easy to read book but was packed with insighful words. In this book, Max Lucado looks at many characters from the Bible that were common people. He shows the way that God used those common people to further His kingdom. Some of these characters are very familiar one and others are less common people in the Bible. In each chapter, he helps relate that to our lives today. There are also a few questions at the end of each chapter as well.

Overall, I really enjoyed the book. It was not hard to read but challenged me at the same time. I will say that if you are an avid Max Lucado reader, you may not like this book. Each of these chapters are pulled from previous books of his. You may have already read these ideas before. I would recommend this book to someone that wants an easy, fast book to read that will still challenge you to become a better person and to realize that God can use even the common person for His work!

Overwhelmed

That pretty much sums up my feeling right now. As January approaches, I realize how much I need to get done before we add another baby to this family! I have just moved Jackson from a bottle to a sippy cup, which was a HUGE battle. I also am going to move him out of the crib over Fall Break so it does not mess up Todd at school. I would also like to start the potty training process some. Add on top of all of that the organizational stuff that has to be done and I am thinking January of 2012 I might be ready for a 3 child!

No, really, I am really starting to wonder how I am going to deal with a 8 1/2 year old, a 27 month old that is in to EVERYTHING, and a newborn!! I know I will do it and it has been done before but sometimes I wonder if I will come out of this experience sane! I may be so tired that I sleep for 10 years after they are grown!!

However, I think about the this verse: Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)
"Don't you see that children are God's best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep."

I am blessed with 2 amazing kids and God found fit to bless us with another child. We will be full of children in our house but also full of laughter and joy. So, I will turn the worries and fears over to God and enjoy my little blessings!