Bitterness

If you were wanting and/or needing uplifting, cheerful words today, Just exit this post because it is not going to be that way today. I have not blogged in a while because I have a lot going on in my life right now. I will attempt to put it into words as best I can with a toddler running around in the background!

I will admit that I have had times when I felt like life wasn't going as I had planned. I have questioned God, cried out to God, and even cursed God because I just felt things weren't fair and he was torturing me. I am not proud of these feelings nor do I feel I was justified in saying them, but I did it anyway. I was plainly bitter!

In the past week, my granny has come to live here in my town. Many of you have lived near your grandparents your entire life. I have not lived near them most of my life. However, when I was young, we lived close to them and I though my granny was the greatest thing ever. That was before she and my grandad got divorced. After the divorce, she left the scene and we didn't even know where she lived. She has said many hurtful things about my family and disappeared from me and I loved her dearly.

So, you may wonder why has she appeared after not seeing or talking to her in many years. Well, she is sick. She was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease and it is pretty severe. She doesn't remember us some days and you can forget her knowing my kids at all. Now, it is up to my family to take care of her. This has not been easy. My mom has MS and the stress is not been good on her health and I am pregnant and exhausted. It has really been draining. I have really had to work on bitterness. There are parts of me that want a relationship but the major part is bitter and hurt. How can she expect me to come visit her because she is lonely when she broke my heart at 5? Why should I risk that again? But then, there is the part that knows how much I once loved her. I wanted to live with her. I would love to have that back. But the reality is, I can't and I want.

I have done a lot of thinking this past week and I have come to some harsh realities. Bitterness breeds only evil. She is like she is because she was bitter about my grandad and she never dealt with it. She has held on to that anger for over 30 years and it has eaten her up. She doesn't even know what happiness is because she has surrounded herself with anger. That led me to the book of Job. Talk about someone that was dealt a terrible hand of fate. I think most of us would have given up early into his struggles. Honestly, if you take away my kids, I am done. But, he kept with it. It is so reassuring that God is there even when I am bitter. He is right there with me holding his arms out to run to Him. I think that is a great lesson and one I am really working on right now.

I have added a video that spoke directly to me about a new perspective on that bitterness. It is 10 minutes long but is so good. It is by Rob Bell. I put it in a different post due to the length of this post. Watch it. It will change you.