Sick...

of my baby being sick. I just had to let that out!

Remembering

There are some memories in my mind that will never go away. Some are very positive like my wedding day, the birth of my boys, times I spent with my family, etc. Others are so painful like my mom and aunts singing at my grandmother's funeral, the phone call informing me of a dear friend's death, etc. However, having a miscarriage was one of those memories.
Today, a high school friend of mine went through this for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. As I read about her loss today, I felt all of those feelings again. My heart sank for her because that is the most painful thing I ever encountered. That was the one event that I questioned God more than ever. I am not proud of this but it is a fact. I thought that it was God's will to have this baby since we had tried for 4 years. Though I am not proud of these comments, I will list some of the things I said during these days..

• that was a cruel joke
• does he really care
• he must have the wrong person b/c I am not strong enough to handle this
• If he is so great, why didn't he heal her
• This is so unfair

You get the point. I said and thought things that were awful. I am ashamed of those and I am sorry for saying them but I was devastated and broken.

I shared in our ladies class that losing Faith, what we named our little girl, changed the way I prayed for life. I cried for the week that we had to wait pleading for it to be God's will to have a healthy baby. I begged for this to all go away. Obviously, my prayer was not answered that way. It was just a few weeks after my DNC that I started teaching again. I did this to get my mind off of my loss. I ended up, by God's leading, taking a job in a severely handicapped class. I had swore that I would never do this but a hand shake from a non-verbal, child with autism told me that I was where I needed to be. I had no idea that this class would help me to see God's will in my desperate prayers. You see, Faith died the week that the heart and brain were really formed. God knew that my vision for a little girl consisted of shopping trips, girl talk, and a relationship like I had with my mom. Had God allowed my little girl to live, it would have been more like respirators and therapies. God released me from that pain. He knew that would be more hurtful than losing her when I did.

Now, God could have healed her. I do not know to this day why he didn't. Maybe she would have strayed from Him. Maybe we couldn't raise a girl. I just don't know. I do know that He is a just God and sees so much more than me. But I do know that He answered my prayer. Not only that, but he gave me a special present that would make his appearance 13 months later.

I think about my daughter often. I wonder what she would have looked like and what she would have acted like. I long for the day I get to meet her. I can't imagine the joy I will feel.

So, as I lay in bed tonight, many tears will fall again as I sit at my Father's feet on my dear friends behalf. I will ask for comfort and strength. I will ask for healing and for a way to help her cope. I know that it will come to her. It came to me in a boy that didn't say a word.

I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavenas are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts".

Oh me

That is how I am feeling right now. I am a little overwhelmed. As most of you know, Jackson is on a gluten-free and dairy free diet. This is difficult since his favorite things to eat were noodles and toast. There are substitutes for these but they are not near as good and he knows it. This has really changed the way we eat. I am having to eat while he naps because he cries for anything I eat, which has gluten or dairy in it. This is not good when you are trying to lose weight because by the time I get to eat, I am STARVING! Also, eating out is impossible. We use to do this WAY more than we needed to. Now, the few times we have had to it is disastrous. All the things that Todd likes, Jackson can't have b/c of the diet issues. He loves fries and they are never GFDF. We had to get Todd shoes yesterday and we were having a hard time finding ones that fit his foot correctly. We ended up eating out at 7:30 and I ended up in the car with Jackson while they ate. I ate in the car after we left, again great for dieting. We could all eat foods on his diet but Todd does not like that food. So, one of the 2 kids are upset at anytime. This is also true some at home but it is way less extreme.

Then, we have the issues with my grandmother. She is getting old and is losing her ability to think correctly. Now, I must explain that she has burnt a lot of bridges in her life. She chose to be bitter about a divorce and take it out on her boys, my dad included. Now that things are getting bad, they are having to try to figure things out and she can be cranky. My mom has been working all day to try to see if she can find her a place. It is not looking good. I have to admit that I do not want her living with my parents and for very selfish reasons. 1). If she is there I will never get time with my mom. 2). With my mom's MS, stress makes her have difficulties and my grandmother is the definition of difficult. Due to this, I ask for prayers for my mom and dad. I pray that we can find a place. I do love her but have put up a wall because of the hurt she has caused.
Well, there you have my problems. Thanks for allowing me to vent!

Worry

I am a worry. I get this from my mom and on down the line it goes. I will admit that this is a big struggle for me. I worry about everything!! As I mentioned, I read a book by Dr. Charles Stanley. It mentioned worrying and really convicted me. I have always said that I did not have a lack of faith that God would provide. I just felt that I still had to worry about it. I really don't know why. As if I can do a better job!! Dr. Stanley stated this and it really stepped on my toes and made me reflect on my life. He correlated worrying with doubt and this is what he said about doubt:
"For most people, doubt is not a lack of believing God as much as it is a failure to discern what He is saying."
Ouch! That is a difficult statement. Could it be that I am not discerning God's will for me and that is why I am worrying and doubting?
Well, I am really working on this in 2010. I am becoming more precise in my prayers. Perhaps you would even call it bold. He already knows my thoughts anyway. He knows my fears, my weaknesses, my failures, and my doubts. So, I am really turning these over to God in 2010.
This is a big step for a worrier! I am clinging to this well know scripture:

Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done 7 then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Oh, how I look forward to that peace!

How to Reach Your Full Potential for God

I had the privileged to read the book How to Reach Your Full Potential for God by Charles F. Stanley. In this book, Dr. Stanley presents 7 essentials for becoming what God intended you to be. These essentials consists of things like having a clean heart, balancing your schedule, and having a healthy body, just to name a few. He not only introduces these essentials, he gives detailed ideas of how to improve in these areas. This book is full of biblical references to help validate his points.
I found this book absolutely life changing. It addressed so many of the "excuses" I may use to become less effective for God. I found this book very difficult to put down and looked forward to reading it each night. I felt his writing style was easy to follow and yet very challenging. This is a book that I will read again because I will gain so much from it. This was the perfect book to be reading at the beginning of the new year because it will alter many things that I do in my life and the way that I will see things from this point on. I would recommend this book to anyone that is ready to reach their full potential for God!