Remembering

There are some memories in my mind that will never go away. Some are very positive like my wedding day, the birth of my boys, times I spent with my family, etc. Others are so painful like my mom and aunts singing at my grandmother's funeral, the phone call informing me of a dear friend's death, etc. However, having a miscarriage was one of those memories.
Today, a high school friend of mine went through this for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. As I read about her loss today, I felt all of those feelings again. My heart sank for her because that is the most painful thing I ever encountered. That was the one event that I questioned God more than ever. I am not proud of this but it is a fact. I thought that it was God's will to have this baby since we had tried for 4 years. Though I am not proud of these comments, I will list some of the things I said during these days..

• that was a cruel joke
• does he really care
• he must have the wrong person b/c I am not strong enough to handle this
• If he is so great, why didn't he heal her
• This is so unfair

You get the point. I said and thought things that were awful. I am ashamed of those and I am sorry for saying them but I was devastated and broken.

I shared in our ladies class that losing Faith, what we named our little girl, changed the way I prayed for life. I cried for the week that we had to wait pleading for it to be God's will to have a healthy baby. I begged for this to all go away. Obviously, my prayer was not answered that way. It was just a few weeks after my DNC that I started teaching again. I did this to get my mind off of my loss. I ended up, by God's leading, taking a job in a severely handicapped class. I had swore that I would never do this but a hand shake from a non-verbal, child with autism told me that I was where I needed to be. I had no idea that this class would help me to see God's will in my desperate prayers. You see, Faith died the week that the heart and brain were really formed. God knew that my vision for a little girl consisted of shopping trips, girl talk, and a relationship like I had with my mom. Had God allowed my little girl to live, it would have been more like respirators and therapies. God released me from that pain. He knew that would be more hurtful than losing her when I did.

Now, God could have healed her. I do not know to this day why he didn't. Maybe she would have strayed from Him. Maybe we couldn't raise a girl. I just don't know. I do know that He is a just God and sees so much more than me. But I do know that He answered my prayer. Not only that, but he gave me a special present that would make his appearance 13 months later.

I think about my daughter often. I wonder what she would have looked like and what she would have acted like. I long for the day I get to meet her. I can't imagine the joy I will feel.

So, as I lay in bed tonight, many tears will fall again as I sit at my Father's feet on my dear friends behalf. I will ask for comfort and strength. I will ask for healing and for a way to help her cope. I know that it will come to her. It came to me in a boy that didn't say a word.

I am reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavenas are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts".